It’s been a while…Right?!!?
So I’ve been out of work for 2 weeks and will be out until mid May!!! The struggle has indeed been real these past 2 weeks. I had a meltdown at work because I just couldn’t deal with anything anymore. After work on March 14th, I was venting to a coworker and then busted out crying. My emotions exploded. Everywhere. And it apparently worried my coworker and she went for help. It was a complete out of body experience…I was disassociated from life. Completely. (I saw this coworker a few days ago at a store and it was an amazing feeling but she was telling me about what I said that day and I had no recollection- no wonder she was worried!)
So my boss and our counselor came to help. I ended up on administrative leave and can’t return until a doctor gives me clearance. Well that leave is now extended and is no longer administrative leave but short term disability (IF I qualify). I have been to several doctors, including the ER to see and be evaluated by a psychiatrist. I did not meet the criteria to be hospitalized but I have been admitted into a partial hospitalization program that is Monday through Friday, 8:30am-3:30pm. At first I was embarrassed, beyond humiliated. I also did not tell ANYONE in my family or any of my friends in the beginning, except for my best friend who is also my emergency contact and my boss had reached out to her. I pretended, to my family, that I was still going to work and I instead attended this day program of intensive therapy. After about a 1.5 weeks, I broke down and told my mom, then my brother, and then my dad. They were all nonjudgmental and very supportive. It felt so great and I was so relieved. It made everything easier to accept and just walk through.
It’s been interesting and enlightening. I’ve been working with therapists, nurses, psychiatrists, and other patients. The doctors are regulating my medications and trying to get me stabilized. Everyone else is working to help me process and understand all this stress, anxiety, and depression and how to work through it.
Borderline Personality Disorder- that’s my diagnosis. It’s been mentioned before but I just brushed it off. Now that it’s been said again, I have began to accept it. Like I said in the beginning, the struggle is real but I’m ready to take this challenge and overcome it. We’ll see how it goes.
Until next episode- Accept your challenges and allow others to love you through them.
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