Episodes 4 & Five- The What and the Why

It’s been a while…Right?!!?

So I’ve been out of work for 2 weeks and will be out until mid May!!! The struggle has indeed been real these past 2 weeks. I had a meltdown at work because I just couldn’t deal with anything anymore. After work on March 14th, I was venting to a coworker and then busted out crying. My emotions exploded. Everywhere. And it apparently worried my coworker and she went for help. It was a complete out of body experience…I was disassociated from life. Completely. (I saw this coworker a few days ago at a store and it was an amazing feeling but she was telling me about what I said that day and I had no recollection- no wonder she was worried!)

So my boss and our counselor came to help. I ended up on administrative leave and can’t return until a doctor gives me clearance. Well that leave is now extended and is no longer administrative leave but short term disability (IF I qualify). I have been to several doctors, including the ER to see and be evaluated by a psychiatrist. I did not meet the criteria to be hospitalized but I have been admitted into a partial hospitalization program that is Monday through Friday, 8:30am-3:30pm. At first I was embarrassed, beyond humiliated. I also did not tell ANYONE in my family or any of my friends in the beginning, except for my best friend who is also my emergency contact and my boss had reached out to her. I pretended, to my family, that I was still going to work and I instead attended this day program of intensive therapy. After about a 1.5 weeks, I broke down and told my mom, then my brother, and then my dad. They were all nonjudgmental and very supportive. It felt so great and I was so relieved. It made everything easier to accept and just walk through.

It’s been interesting and enlightening. I’ve been working with therapists, nurses, psychiatrists, and other patients. The doctors are regulating my medications and trying to get me stabilized. Everyone else is working to help me process and understand all this stress, anxiety, and depression and how to work through it.

Borderline Personality Disorder- that’s my diagnosis. It’s been mentioned before but I just brushed it off. Now that it’s been said again, I have began to accept it. Like I said in the beginning, the struggle is real but I’m ready to take this challenge and overcome it. We’ll see how it goes.

Until next episode- Accept your challenges and allow others to love you through them.

Daily Prompt 3/4

Fabric.Daily Post

I was gonna get all philosophical and deep and talk about the “fabric of life being woven into your own personal, imperfectly perfect tapestry”… but I just wanna be real for a second here.

I have some serious texture issues with certain types of fabric. Allow me to elaborate~

The first example that comes to mind is my issue, almost phobia 🙄😂, of cotton. #kindacomical Particularly rubbing cotton together and especially cotton on my teeth (see ‘episode one’ of my blog) or on my fingernails! The feeling, the noise, everything about those actions give me the heebie-jeebies…like nails on a chalkboard to some.

Another gross out, eww fabric is freakn microfiber- like the cloths people clean with, that fabric is just wrong.

There’s a blanket material/fabric that also freaks me out. Idk what it’s actually called but I know I don’t like it.

Sorry for those hoping to get profoundly impacted with today’s daily prompt, but this is what I needed to get off my chest and the word ‘fabric’ brought it to life for me!

Daily Prompt

Messy.

Life is messy.

Messy physically, messy mentally sometimes, messy emotionally, and definitely messy relationally. We’ve all been in a messy situation one time or another, right? It’s how we get passed it that matters. The mess makes us who we are; perfection is impossible. Our messy messes we get ourselves into, make us stronger and wiser. Our situations get less messy as we grow and learn from the previous ones.

In other words, life is short and it’s okay- GET. MESSY.

Episode Dos- The “High Winds” Day

I’m an educator and for the first time I’ve ever heard, schools were closed all around for the threat of high winds. 🌬 I’ll take it. After my week to hell and back, I really needed a day off.

I spent the day recovering and thinking “wow God really loves me to give me this day off”. I drank lots of coffee and binge watched many tv shows. How would you spend your day off? Sure I could’ve done some work but it just wasn’t in my heart.

So let’s talk about the obvious here….who EVER gets a day off from work for high winds? That was awesome. I’m glad they were looking out for the safety of the kids who ride buses and all; you know the ‘high profile vehicles’. But I do wonder who gets to make that kind of decision?

This post is pointless. Boring. Uneventful. And I apologize for taking away about 30 seconds of your life.

Until next episode- Stay safe and hold your hairpiece.

Restart

Restart at life.

Restarting my attitude towards my goals and my dreams. I aspire to be a writer; not just an ordinary writer but one who can make readers feel and truly experience what they’re reading. I want what I write to resonate, encourage, inspire…I want to leave a mark on my readers, making them feel better about themselves and their circumstances.

Currently I’m a teacher and I encourage my students to restart each day. They set goals every morning and work on achieving them. If they don’t meet their goal, we reflect on what to do in order to restart the next day. I practice what I preach and I also set a goal with my students. I set practical goals in relation to school and what goes on in the day to day. However, I have bigger goals, lofty dreams and those are where I’m ready to RESTART and find the ambition and motivation to push through. #iamaconqueror #dailyprompt

Episode One-The Dentist

So I went from having never gone to the dentist in VA yet ( I went back and forth to my hometown twice a year) to going 4 times within like 2 weeks.

First visit- broken crown. They removed the broken crown, cleaned out underneath that sucker, and attempted to put on a temporary. ‘Attempted’ meaning right after the temporary crown was made (mind you I had been there like 2 hours already), it broke. Yes, broke. They made me bite down on it and it broke. 🙄 So I had to wait ahhhgain for them to get a fabricated crown to put on my tooth. And…she dropped it. WTF? It was cleaned off and put in my mouth anyways. I didn’t even care bc I was just ready to leave. REWIND—forgot to mention that I’m a freak about my teeth AND the whole office now knows that I can NOT tolerate cotton, in any form, on my teeth. Okay PLAY— I finally got out of there and felt like I cut off one of my limbs to pay for it! UGH

2nd visit- permanent crown. This visit was pretty uneventful. I did remind them of the cotton issue. Ha. Crown is great! #finallygotthecrownideserve

Third visit- this was supposed to be a routine cleaning visit. Not so much. X-rays showed one of my teeth and its roots are dead and infection is building underneath it🤢. Root canal it is! I’m making it rain at this dentist’s office. Damn.

4th visit- beginning/step 1 of the root canal. Too much. My already big face felt huge from the numbing. My tongue and lower lip, just the right side, were missing in my mind. My mouth was propped open and stretched beyond its natural width. And, they asked me questions while my mouth was stretched open and I was choking on my saliva. Why? Now the numbing has worn off (this visit was today) and it hurts in my ear. Is that weird? Is that normal? Am I just a freak in general?

Fifth visit- in my calendar. This visit will be to finish the root canal;take out the temporary filling, clean it out again, and put a permanent filling in. Oh and I have to finish paying for it then.

These visits have taken my whole paycheck. It’s ridic! If it can happen to one’s teeth, it’s probably happened or will happen to mine. And as mentioned before, I’m a freak about my teeth. Not only do I have the cotton issue but I examine my teeth thoroughly everyday and brush them several times a day. I have a toothbrush everywhere I go..at work, at home, in my car, in my purse, at my family’s house. I don’t get it. I feel like I’ve had more dental work than someone who doesn’t give a rip about their teeth!

Until next episode-BRUSH, FLOSS, SMILE. (and save your money just in case…💸)